by
Audrey Wildfire Dimola
11/2/2017
i am angry at our society. i am angry at the culture of FEAR that teaches people to PRETEND TO BE OKAY because if not, you’ll lose everything. i am angry that mental and emotional turmoil is not given the support and taken as seriously as “legitimate” and visible physical issues. us folks who have to PRETEND TO BE OKAY, pretend to be fine, pretend to not be hurt, imbalanced, afraid, addicted, emotionally distraught, manic, depressed- what happens to us? in this society that tells us WE CANNOT BE WHAT WE ARE OR ELSE WE WILL LOSE EVERYTHING. we get WORSE. because we are shamed into submission. into hiding. into not seeking help. AND THAT IS THE REAL INJUSTICE AND TRAGEDY. not our afflictions. but not having REAL SUPPORT to be WHO WE REALLY ARE. a broken person is worth just as much as a seemingly unbroken one. look at your employees, your coworkers, your colleagues holistically. i am not a fucking cog in a wheel. i am a human being who needs compassion. and i will not remain a part of this culture that pushes us to LIE in fear of who we are and how we are suffering. the past three or four months have been some of the most difficult of my LIFE. i will not lose everything because i am being honest about that. i will only lose the things i am not meant to keep. MORE PEOPLE IN POSITIONS OF POWER AND VISIBILITY SHOULD SPEAK UP ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH, DESPITE FEAR OF BEING FIRED, SHAMED, JUDGED, OR “REFLECTING BADLY” ON WHATEVER COMMUNITY THEY REPRESENT. i refuse to be anyone else’s embarrassment, because i have come a long, long, LONG way to not be embarrassed of myself. THIS IS THE REAL LIFE AND I WILL NOT HIDE FROM IT. by Audrey Wildfire Dimola
by
Audrey Wildfire Dimola
10/27/2017
i am done with it
i am done chasing
i am done laying my body down
i am done doing what i don’t want to do
i am done bending my will because i just want someone to love me
i am done being afraid to be alone
this is my castle and my fortress
i will start protecting it
i am done having sex when i don’t want to
i am done forcing my libido
i am done throwing my vagina on the crap table
i am done not moving away from what feels unsafe or uncomfortable or discordant or incongruent
i am done negatively obsessing over my body
i am done wanting what other girls have
i am done rushing myself to cum because he wants me to
i am done cumming for anyone else but myself
i am done settling for no orgasm
i am done identifying myself through a man
i am done accessing my sexuality through a man
i am done needing love from a man to feel worthy
i am done letting him define my orgasm
i am done letting him define what feels good
i am done using sex for power
i am done using sex for comfort
i am done using inappropriately blurred friendships with exes as my drug of choice
i am done not reacting to what feels unsafe
i am done letting him make plans for me
i am done not articulating what i want, where i want to be, what i want to do, who i want to do it with
i am done letting him tell me what’s good for me
i am done looking for security outside myself
i am done being with men whose pain mirrors mine
i am done taking EVERYONE ELSE’S LIFE onto my shoulders
i am done taking responsibility for everyone
i am done denying my trauma
i am done denying the inner child who suppressed everything
i am done suppressing
i am done being afraid
i am done waiting it out
i am done having a backup plan
i am done lying
i am done cheating
i am done conveniently omitting and manipulating
i am done being non-committal to MYSELF
i am done not knowing what boundaries are
i am done absorbing everyone else’s energy
i am done hurting myself because i’m afraid to hurt someone else
i am done being guilty
i am done being guilty
i am done being guilty
I AM DONE BEING UNSAFE FOR LOVE
I AM DONE BELIEVING LOVE IS SACRIFICE
i am done wanting someone to take care of me
i am done running to comfort as salve for the wound, instead of WORKING on it
i am done ignoring myself
i am done distracting myself
i am done denying myself
i am done not listening to myself
i am done forgetting my body, my blood, my heart is prayer, is prayer, is prayer
i am done thinking i’m not good enough
i am done letting everyone else’s voice speak louder than my own
i am done looking past her in the mirror
i am done creating turmoil because i only know chaos
i am done questioning my hurt, heartache, anxiety, restlessness
i am done saying yes to you
and no to myself